Possibly one of the cheesiest movies to come out of the eighties (and boy, is there some competition), was Splash starring Darryl Hannah and Tom Hanks. We are talking mature brie here, rather than your mild cheddar. I say "starring Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah" in the loosest possible sense of the words, as there wasn't much acting going on. Not one of Tom's finest. Probably up there with the best of them for Hannah though. Interestingly enough, this isn't the only famous Hannah in the mermaid world. Hannah Mermaid is an underwater performance artist and ocen activist that has also made a name for herself with a big slippery tail on.
It's a bad hair day for Hannah in Splash.
You may need to have a bucket handy, people, if you watch this one. You're going to need it. Or bail out now, and spin the reels on the Mermaids Million slot instead (click here for a list of the best bonus offers).
Here's a summary. A good read of this, and you won't need to watch the film, saving you exactly 111 minutes of your life. You knew it as a good idea to come to MermaidsMillions.net!
OK, here goes (deep intake of breath, steels himself):
While on a boat at with his family, Allen Bauer sees something in the water and dives in. What could it be? Hmmmmmm. Yep. A mermaid. No-One believes Allen. Mermaid is sad. Oh no.
20 years later, Allen (enter Tom Hanks) now runs his family's business, and continues to search for his slippery wet friend. Along with his feelings, Allen must also bat off joker and perenial "straight to video" actor Jon Candy who plays his caring brother Freddie.
One day, Allen gets rat arsed (inebriated) and heads for Cape Cod to try and find his water loving friend. He runs into a mad scientist called Cornbluth (Eugene Levy), who is searching for mermaids in the waters, as all scientific types do on holiday when they are not doing proper research.
Allen hires out a a small boat to get to Cape Cod, but falls over the side. Luckily, this is the movies, and he finds himself on land with a beautiful blonde with big bazookas who quickly heads back into the water (once in the sea , her legs become fins). The plot thickens!
The Best Scene From Splash? (!)
OK- let's speed things up here, as you are not saving much of your 111 minutes. Sorry about that- I was warming to this drivel even as I was writing it.
Aquatlic beauty pitches up in New York with no clothes on, for the first scene, anyhow. Allen proposes. Mermaid confesses to having leg substitutes in the water. Word gets out.
Both Allen and Madison are taken to New York Natural History Museum. Fish girl stays in tank. Boo hoo. Sad.. Allen gets mad.
Then Allen decides that he loves fish and wants to save Madison. They rescue her (he and his brother). The Military get involved. Madison swims off, and Allen he dives in after her, even though he is unable to swim.
Madison grabs Allen's hand, and they swim away. Thanks to an underwater kiss,, Allen is now able to breathe underwater, and after some time swimming, they whoosh their way off into the white horses.
THE END. It was painful even telling you the short version. But hey, it might be cheesy, but at leasts it's very cheesy. It's almost off the other end and into a godd film. But not quite.
TIP. If you do buy this movie, go for the Blu-Ray. The cinematogaphy is AWESOME and the extra definition really brings out Hannah's acting skills. Look, it's light entertainment, there's nothing wrong with that!
Rating: somewhere between 1 star and 10. It's so bad, it's almost good.